I am so frustrated. I just want to hide and never come out again. Evie won't sleep. She won't eat properly. She doesn't even want to talk to me. She'll talk and smile for everyone else but not for me. I feel like a complete failure. I can't clean my house or even take care of myself because Evie needs constant attention. I can't exercise so I feel fat and horrible and I have no energy. I can't even read my scriptures or pray because I can't feel the Spirit when Evie is crying all the time. I hate that my dream of being a mom has turned into hell on earth for me. Nothing gets me excited anymore because there is always the inevitable baby to take care of. I can't get away and I can't be happy. I feel guilty even saying it because I know I should be happy and love my daughter but I can't. I'm not doing anything right. She's unhappy, overtired, and hungry all the time. I can't accept help from anyone because they just mess her up even more. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had chosen a different dream. I wish I had never been born because then I wouldn't be around disappointing people all the time. Everyone thinks I'm crazy and emotional and that I don't know what I'm doing. I can't trust people to help me because they won't respect my wishes and take care of Evie the way I want her taken care of. I'd rather be miserable taking care of her myself than be miserable knowing someone else is messing up her schedule and making her even worse for me when I get her back. I'm so unhappy and there's nothing that can solve that. I hate this.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
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6 comments:
It's important to realise that you're not the first person to feel this way. In fact, it's totally common. I still have days where i wish the kids would just get out of the house and leave me alone.
Evie is still only tiny, your house is supposed to be a mess, you're supposed to feel fat and you're supposed to have no energy, it's just the way things work with tiny babies. I think the main thing is to relax and try to be ok with the fact that things are not going to run smoothly. Make sure you get lots of sleep while she's sleeping, and seriously don't stress about housework and stuff.
As for the crying, I found that sometimes you just need to kind of (and excuse the example i'm giving here) reboot the system. I can't even explain properly how that works but i guess it's like starting her routine over, because i've found sometimes it gets messed up, especially when i've been away from home with a baby. They get pretty fussy.
If she's really crying a lot try holding her upside down on your forearm, it works really well. She might have colic or something.
I wish I could be of more help.
Also, feel free to totally dismiss everything I've said because I know sometimes it can be annoying when people assume they know what's going on and give advice. It just makes me sad to know that you're feeling so overwhelmed.
Take heart, it does get easier, you'll have those wonderful moments where you know it was all worth it, i promise.
Jenetta- you are echoing the same things I said as Kirk was growing up! You ARE NOT ALONE!!! And you know what? It's OK to feel like this! It's ok to honestly hate your baby for what she has done to your life, as long as you never act on that. And it's OK to long for the days before you had her. Like Ali said, it will become worth it. I know you think I'm crazy for saying that! I'm going to try and call you today. Just hold on!
Your friend Ali is very wise.
I hesitated to even comment on here, but I couldn't resist. I'm sorry if this makes it worse.
First of all, I am super impressed you laid it out there. I think what you said is what a lot of moms want to say but are too embarrassed to say because we are all supposed to be "perfect".
I have three kids, the youngest is 16 months, and my house is still trashed, I'm still fat, depressed, angry, sad, etc. BUT! Not every day is like that. You will get the hang of things and it WILL get easier. Things are soooooo rough those first few months. Luckily I had a good friend that told me it took her 6 months to feel like she had the hang of things with her first baby. I would think of that and think okay, I've got three more months to get the hang of this.
You might have a colicky baby on your hands too. That would stretch anybody to the breaking point!! Talk to your ped md about it.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE by yourself for a bit. I know you are worried about someone else screwing her up even more, but you will much more useful to her refreshed and sane. Go do something for yourself and DO NOT let yourself feel guilty for it. It's easier said than done...With my first baby, every time I would go out by myself, I could "hear" him screaming in my head the whole time and never felt like I could let myself enjoy my alone time. Then I would come home to find out he had been sleeping peacefully the whole time I was gone. It was such a waste of emotional energy to worry.
It's easy for me to sit here and give all the advice in the world and I am sorry if I am giving unwanted advice, maybe you just wanted to vent, but I wanted you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! and that my heart totally goes out to you!
Don't give up on this and don't be so hard on yourself. Motherhood is the hardest dream to live. It's rewards are so small and far inbetween it's easy to forget why you wanted it so badly in the first place...but it will get better.
Good luck Jenetta!!!! You can do it! You can do hard things!!!
Oh, sister! I can't believe you posted this today of all days! I am also having a "WHY DID I DO THIS?!" day today and totally sympathize with you.
Kaylee is teething, has a tiny ear ache, is having a reflux flare up, got shots yesterday, is overtired, and who knows what else. She has been screaming and crying almost constantly sense Sunday. Her wonderful nights have turned into her waking every 45-90 minutes almost the whole night. Needless to say, her schedule has all but gone out the window.
I feel your pain at least in a small part. I was just thinking about all the fun I used to be able to have, and the freedom before she was born. As for feeling fat and gross and useless, I am there too! I feel guilty all the time because I have (usually) a very "easy" baby and I still can't seem to keep up with the house. I feel like an evil beast because I am crabby and upset and stressed by the time Robert gets home and I take it out on him.
I know you probably feel like she doesn't like you, but that is normal. Kaylee was full on laughing at a girl in my achievement days group yesterday an hour after she got shots. She hasn't laughed at me in days! She always smiles and gets excited when she sees Robert, but rarely gets excited to see me. I think it is just because they see us all the time, and just expect us to be there. It will get better! We are their whole world! One day, even if it isn't for 20+ years, they will thank us and appreciate all our hard work.
We will get through this! Things will get better! I love you!
Hey! I'm a friend of Lisa's and she came to me in case I had something to add here too. Initially I felt just as you- but here are some notes that might help.
1st- as mentioned- you are NOT alone. I moved 2 days out of the hospital to a new city, new home, new job, and never seeing my husband. My baby felt like a terror, and I was devastated by how my dreams of being a mom had turned into a nightmare...every day I dreaded waking up to entertain her,feed her, or put her to sleep and the guilt only increased the irritability I felt. Ironically, everyone I met or talked to in the ward/neighborhood seemed shocked that I was having such a difficult time. Only in reading blogs have I come to realize that other mothers have felt as I, and not to feel ashamed. But the following began to help me/us...
1- Take some time/heart enough to focus on SERVING my baby, and forgetting all of the things "I" want to do, or get done when taking care of her. It helped me learn to love her more. After all, motherhood & love is more important than dishes.
2- Let your baby show you the amount of sleep she needs. (I learned she should eat, play for 30 min. then go down.) Grace would eat, play for 2 hrs, go down, wake up 15 min. later and want to eat again. The fight to get her to sleep after 30 min. stimulation is mostly what killed me. I wanted my time to clean,etc. and thought she should be sleeping all day. Really, she didn't need to. After giving up and just carrying her w/ me room to room doing stuff, or just by me watching a movie, I learned to recognize her sleep patterns and how much she needed. Suddenly she was was calmer, and when she got really crabby I knew it was bedtime. But even after her morning 20 min. nap, she was a totally diff. happy, baby suddenly. Also, she still didn't like going to bed sometimes, so I'd hold her in front of a fan. That helped a lot! (be it the noise, feel of air, whatever)
3-If you are desperate for her to sleep or just need to get out and see people, take her shopping. Often that background noise or the car will put them to sleep for hours. It is a break from the crying, even if your feet get tired walking stores. (but hey- it's exercise!) Or go to temple square & walk around w/ a stroller. Grace even slept through the organ playing full blast, though she wakes at the slightest sound at home. It's ironic.
4- I realized Grace was vomiting or spitting up too frequently, also keeping her gassy & tired. I've heard Prevacid does wonders, but I switched to formula instead, and refused to feed her less than 2 1/2 hours apart. I Also learned an amazing burping trick. Hold your baby upward at a slant, supporting her bum w/ 1 hand, and chin area w/ other. Move her up and down at the slanted angle about 20 times (not too fast for shaken baby syndrome) then pat her back afterwards. I also started laying a blanket over her boppy and putting her down in that to keep from choking on the reflux stuff while sleeping. Watch though... my baby would sometimes start to fall under the boppy, hence the blanket...
4-She progresses fast & needed new stimulation. Bright starts toys that hang from car seat handles helped, and so did the aquarium play mat from Wal-mart. (got mine on ksl though)Taking her outside to get the mail, pick veggies for 5 min. etc, was a nice change for her. Find ways to vary up her day/routine a bit so she's not so bored of everything.
5- While we may get sick of entertaining & not having the "freedom" we used to have, the older they get & the more you get to know your child, I promise- things start to get a little better, and you start to get more ability to accomplish other things too. Grace is rolling and trying to crawl, & that alone helps entertain her more. If you are losing it altogether, go find a friend or neighbor to chit-chat w/ even for 10 minutes. Your baby will appreciate new places/faces, and so will you.
6- Ultimately, as I'm sure you know- prayer is important. Pray for inspiration in taking care of your child & learning what she needs, about forming the right kind of schedule, loving her, having patience, etc. It helps- I promise! In retrospect, I see that.
Sorry so long- please know, there is silver lining in this... "just keep swimming" and you will see it eventually. :-) Good luck w/ everything!!!
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